This morning was so hard for me. Most morning are extremely difficult (having to wake Logan up a couple hours before he would normally get up, drag him out of bed- literally, take him to Gina's and then drive to work). I have gotten to the point that most mornings I do not cry any more- but it is so hard. Today was even worse. I am very thankful that I was able to take off yesterday afternoon so that I could take Logan to the doctor. Since he had strep, I was going to take him to work with me and have William meet me to get him. I just could not bring myself to do that this morning. He went to bed last night at almost 6pm and was sleeping so well this morning so I decided to let him sleep and I would just go in to work when William got home from work (about 8am). So, that is what we did. It was great- I loved being able to just lay in bed with him for a bit, get him breakfast, just wake up with him... well, it got time for me to leave and in the most innocent voice he looks up at me and says, "mommy, can I please go to work with you?" I wanted to cry so bad but I held it together and told him he could not, that mommy would get in trouble. He just didn't understand- he just wanted to be with me. Then as I was leaving the house, he says, "mama, can you please just sit down with me- I want you to sit with me" And that is when I just had to walk away. I would give anything- I mean anything just to be able to be home with him. I am praying for a miracle every day and while I know the reality of it is that it will probably NEVER happen, I do know that God can and does work miracles.
I know don't mean this to be like a pitty party. It just gets very frustrating and upsetting and I feel like I am all alone. Out of everyone at church that has kids Logan's age or who are our age, I am the only one who has to work- so I feel like no one possibly understands what I am going through, how I feel or just how hard it is going through every day- then add in that the job I spend 2 1/2 to 3 hours a day driving to is extremely stressful and well, honestly they treat you like dirt or even below dirt. I feel like I have to have someone else raise my child because we are not able to have me stay home (which, don't get me wrong, we couldn't ask for someone better, but- again it is not me). And, that upsets me too- I miss out on pretty much everything he has at school and so on... And, to add to it, we are having another baby- which a lot of people are against but we prayed about it for a long time and feel like that is God's plans for us right now. I really do not want September to get here at all, for I am already dreading having to leave both of my children and go back to work. I am still praying for a miracle every day. I am praying that William can get a second job, because as of right now, that is the only way I can see that anything will ever be able to change. I dream of a day that I can stay home with Logan (and the baby) and be able to actually work at keeping the house clean, go on nice walks, go to the park, the library, wherever we want to go. I dream of a day that I can do whatever needs to be done at church because I won't have to take time off of work to be able to do it. I would give away any and all of our "possessions" that are meaningless to just be able to see even part of that dream come true.
I do apologize if this post was a "downer" but it is more something I felt I wanted/ needed to write about. It is probably a lot to do with the hormones that is making it feel even that much worse today. I know that things could be much worse and I am very thankful for the time I do get to spend with him. I am just praying every minute of every day that the Lord will bless us with a miracle so that I can focus more on God and my family.
No comments:
Post a Comment